Ontario Haters Club
by Kye Above
Summary: Crack. Connected one-shots/drabbles featuring the members of Ontario's hate group. 1: A Usual Meeting - The Ontario Haters get together to discuss Ontario's ever growing ego, and like always, they get sidetracked.


**Anything in italics is spoken in French.**

* * *

Name Key for Stories

Ontario = Owen

Quebec = Olivier

Saskatchewan = Sam

Manitoba = Ben(jamin)

Alberta = Liam

British Columbia = Vic

* * *

At the front of the room, Matthew stood in front of a map of Canada, a grim look on his face. The others in the room, sat silently, waiting for him to speak. "We are facing a serious problem. It's growing too much to be ignored any longer." He paused, looking at the faces of his fellow Haters. "As you might've guessed, it's Ontario's ego."

From his spot on the couch, Sam removed the piece of wheat from his mouth. "I don't see a problem with continuing to just ignore it." The wheat was replaced just before it was knocked out again by a slap to Sam's face. Liam glared at the blond haired boy.

"I do! The Toronto Maple Leafs have stopped sucking as much! Next thing you know, they'll have fans!" Liam complained as Sam rubbed his cheek. He would have spoke more, but once he was over the shock, Sam had grabbed Liam's ten-gallon hat and had ran off with it, laughing causing the cowboy to take off after him.

"What Alberta said is true. But my team has always been better than all of yours." Vic said, rolling an apricot around on the table. Liam paused in his chase, standing on the back of a chair, with Sam sitting on a shelf, to make a comment.

"So they almost won the Stanley Cup one year. Big deal. I have two teams! Sure one of them is stationed in Calgary….but" Liam trailed off again, unable to think of anything else. He just really didn't like Calgary.

"It's farther than your teams have gotten, I believe!" The stoner countered before eating the apricote that he had been playing with. It would have escalated into a full out argument, if Olivier hadn't cut in, surprisingly speaking in English.

"Could you two stop? It is quite off topic from what we should be doing." The two wayward provinces complied, though Liam only because Sam had taken that time to escape from his grasp. Vic had different, less mentionable things on his mind. Removing his hand from his face, Matthew thanked Olivier, before returning to the matter at hand.

"Okay, does anyone here have any ideas of how we should deal with him?" The provinces looked at each other, seeing if any one else would speak before them. Eventually, sighing, Olivier stood up, and having switched back to French, was the first to give an idea.

"_You should demote him from being a province, and give his land to me. That asshole doesn't deserve the privileges he has been given." _ Canada sighed. He was sure already knew what would happen. Olivier would ask to be his own country, Matthew would tell him no, and they wouldn't speak to each other for a month. Just like every other time.

Having gotten back his hat, Liam sat back down on the couch. Sam followed him, sporting what would turn into a black eye later, and a smirk on his face. "Any idea of what he just said?" Liam asked. No one there but Matthew had a good grasp of the language.

"_If you bothered to learn French, you would know." _

"Seriously, anyone?"

"He says that we should band together and come up with a plan." Matthew mistranslated, not wanting to get off topic again. These meetings always did though.

"_You only said that because you don't want to make me a country." _ Matthew had been right, of course.

"Isn't that what we're doing right now?" Vic asked, now with a new fruit in his hand. Olivier looked over at him mournfully, which everyone missed.

" _I wish…"_

Something else everyone missed, was the crazy smile that had appeared on Sam's face, as he got an idea. It was too late to stop him.

"~Maybe we should move the capital to some other place, like my province. And then Canada could come live with me, and slowly, but surely my province would become the most popular. All you will all eventually accept your fate that you will belong to me and then everyone can be happy~!" Sam giggled as all eyes turned to him. Liam scooted away from the crazy boy.

"I don't think we've been giving Saskatchewan enough attention." Liam muttered to himself, deciding the maybe it was time to start doing so. But how could he, when Sam's province was so boring.

"What about me?! Do you even know I'm here?" Ben cried from his spot beside Sam. Sam was the only one who noticed this, as he was really the only one that ever did.

"Wow, someone's acting a bit like their Uncle Russia." Vic commented, though he was the only one who saw any similarities.

"Saskatchewan...Sam…" Canada started, but he was cut off by his baby-faced son, who seemed to be radiating with annoyance.

"You always ignore me and Benjamin. I don't know about Ben, but I've been raising my crime rates just to see if you'll notice! But you don't!" He then broke down crying, hugging Benjamin, who just sat awkwardly as everyone's gaze finally fell on him.

"_Aren't we here to talk about Ontario? Saskatchewan is not our concern at the moment." _Olivier said, as apathetic as ever. Matthew wasn't sure whether to deal with Sam, or agree with Olivier. He eventually decided on the second, because it wasn't like anything bad could happen if he dealt with Sam later. Most certainly not.

Then someone walked into the room, deciding to grace the other with his presence. Everyone had to resist the urge to join Sam in his crying.

"Hey everyone! I made pancakes! Anyone want any?" Their faces softened, and Sam paused in his crying and looked towards the main topic of their hate group. Pancakes...for all things that were annoying about Ontario, he still made awesome pancakes. Maybe they could put away their hate for a little bit.

"Also, I totally almost made a goal during my hockey practice! I was this close! I'll bet none of you could get as close as I did!" No, they probably couldn't.

"_Pancakes! Remember the pancakes!" _Olivier cried out. The others didn't need to know French to guess what that meant.


End file.
